I've been working obsessively to make it a nice place; to spew meaningless numbers, of the 144 issues we've recorded in our tracker, 61 are mine, 54 of which I've already closed. To do that, I subconsciously picked up the slack I left in my already 14/7-ish life with the computer--so of course for the past few days I've had recurring eye strain, just a tired ache right in the forebrain where the eyes plug in. They plug in there, right? I know the retina is a notoriously bad design, but they aren't networked into the brain somewhere silly, afaik.
I'm trying just turning up the fonts in my heavy-use programs today and--you know--looking around at stuff, as well as watching my dietary intake better. I exercised today, which I've only been doing sporadically (in general, of course, not just the past two weeks). I slept more than I would've otherwise, part (waking up late) unintentionally and part (turning in early) because of the below; more sleep, though. One of the things I'll do will have me reading an actual paper book, and I should maybe read my deadtree of The Virtual Community again. Hopefully all that'll help. Maybe I'll even go out somewhere today.
That and some histrionics last night (and, obviously, here and now, though I'm trying to minimize) are giving me my first real doubts why I've bothered to do what I've done. Intelligently I can say it's part a compulsion to build something to be appreciated, though that would imply--you know--appreciation, which isn't exactly flowing like water. But that's because it doesn't. I know everyone involved is happy with my work--some of them have advertised for us in their journals--and it's just me being attention-starved and as mentally fucked-up as every other Internet addict; as long as we're still now on the upswing and are for a while (pessimistically I want to say "quite a while"), it'll be part of my net.legacy.
I'm also doing it for myself, so I can have somewhere to go and relax and enjoy, somewhere to belong. That's a bit tenuous, since one friend told me last night e didn't feel comfortable with all the people there; e's been there a few days, though, so it might've been related to the visitor's vibe particularly last night that caused the aforementioned histrionics. I'm pretty sure that was my problem.
We're also abusing this software pretty bad, which is good, since we contribute to its development--literally, and that's a landmark to mention: I've finally contributed some code to a bona fide open source project. In C, no less; I couldn't've called that one. I could contribute more but we also have one of the busy authors of the project in the community, gracing us with his time and energies.
I'm ostensibly writing an article about us for our supercommunity's Slashalike, the current version being on our Wiki. I haven't actually updated it in--let me look--eleven days now, though I last touched the Wiki three ago (and that's the sudden stop to a few updates every day). It's part advertisement for our particular place and part self-aggrandizement--"Hey, look, I'm the one pushing limits in this area"--but it's supposed to be, like, a journal article in the scientific sense: "Hey, look, here are some cool things we did that you can do and build on, too." I'm not sure if it still is, but I fully intend to finish the article in that mode and post it.
I've written this as much to explain this to myself as I have to tell you this. Thanks for reading.